Feelings gone


It’s such a weird feeling encountering someone from your past all of a sudden at a crowded store at a crowded mall. It’s really weird, because, it doesn’t matter that it’s been more than 4 years since you last saw him; you still can’t be at the same place that he is. “When you’re 15 somebody tells you they love you & you gonna believe them”, sings Taylor Swift. And yeah, corny like that, I like to believe it’s true. I was not 15 -I was 16- but I still feel like I believed everything he told me and ended up also believing that it didn’t work out because of something I did wrong. I can’t see his face anymore. I ran into him once, 4 years ago at a cinema, and he was next to his previous girlfriend (the 1st one after our not-so-complete relationship). He said she was extremely similar to me. He said she reminded him of me. And he said that she liked to write, like me. She had published a book, he said. She was everything that I was not. He made me cry and almost miss the start of the film. I had to endure almost 2 hours of despair, thinking that, a few rows behind, he was sitting next to his improved girlfriend, holding hands, kissing, maybe, while I was only thinking about what I had done wrong. It’s been 4 years and that still haunts me.

Today, I saw him again, with his new girlfriend -he broke up with the previous one, the clone. I’m a pro at Facebook-stalking, so I already knew he had broken up with the clone. But, honestly, today I didn’t even look at the new girlfriend -I could only look at him. He STILL has the power of making me nervous, like he always did when he looked at me in the eyes, sitting on the front seat of the bus, staring at me and making me smile. He made me nervous when he pulled my chair closer when I was trying to explain some math exercise to him, while we were alone at class during recess. And he made me nervous when, after having explained it to him, he decided to be a volunteer during the following math class and resolved the exercise in front of the class. He insisted that his new math teacher was really good, a great one, he said.

But, now, I only think of the phonecall that ended it all, when he said that he was disappointed in me for not being there for him. He played me, when I thought I WAS playing him. I did not like him. I did not believe him. I… probably didn’t think he was being honest, I just thought he wanted to make fun of me. Turns out he probably didn’t.

Today, when I saw him, all this came to my mind. I also thought that he’s gone bald, that he’s taller than I remembered him, and that I quite like the clothes he wears. I didn’t see the girlfriend. I didn’t say a word to him -I hid. Today, I felt nervous again –that fucker will always make me nervous.


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