Am I too old to want a mother?


I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Today, my stomach is tied up in a knot and my mind is rapidly falling into a melancholic state that is leaving me numb. I can certainly feel my muscles tightening just as I write this. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might actually despise my mother. I don’t know how I got here (well, I have a faint idea of why) but I still feel guilty for feeling so. My frown is always present when she’s around, and I keep wishing to be away from her. My mother is a good mother. I guess. I just keep saying that she is but when I start to think of reasons why, nothing comes to mind. No, she’s never mistreated me. Yes, she’s always fed me. Yes, she’s provided me with a roof over my head and has hugged me plenty of times. Yet somehow, I feel like she has irreparably failed me in something. Now, it’s like we’re completely disconnected, yet she lives next door. I don’t live with her anymore. Nor with my dad, obviously. I just went to my aunt’s for comfort. I’ve had to basically move to the house of my mother’s sister to put everything into perspective -my mother should’ve been there when I needed her and she wasn’t. These previous months have been terrible, I’ve had to get used to living without who was possibly my biggest support, and when I needed someone to look after me, she wasn’t there. Her sister took her place. I let her took it. And I feel safe when she’s around. Yet when my mother is around instead, I only feel shame, discomfort and, overall, sadness.

I might have to elaborate on this. Maybe some other time -now I only needed to vent.


4 thoughts on “Am I too old to want a mother?

  1. I can relate, but on a more extreme level on my end. I have been here, and I know the feelings you are experiencing. My name is Jasmine and If you need someone to converse with about this you are welcome to email me at I’ll be glad to share my experience with you and help you through yours.

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