I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Today, my stomach is tied up in a knot and my mind is rapidly falling into a melancholic state that is leaving me numb. I can certainly feel my muscles tightening just as I write this. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might actually despise my mother. I don’t know how I got here (well, I have a faint idea of why) but I still feel guilty for feeling so. My frown is always present when she’s around, and I keep wishing to be away from her. My mother is a good mother. I guess. I just keep saying that she is but when I start to think of reasons why, nothing comes to mind. No, she’s never mistreated me. Yes, she’s always fed me. Yes, she’s provided me with a roof over my head and has hugged me plenty of times. Yet somehow, I feel like she has irreparably failed me in something. Now, it’s like we’re completely disconnected, yet she lives next door. I don’t live with her anymore. Nor with my dad, obviously. I just went to my aunt’s for comfort. I’ve had to basically move to the house of my mother’s sister to put everything into perspective -my mother should’ve been there when I needed her and she wasn’t. These previous months have been terrible, I’ve had to get used to living without who was possibly my biggest support, and when I needed someone to look after me, she wasn’t there. Her sister took her place. I let her took it. And I feel safe when she’s around. Yet when my mother is around instead, I only feel shame, discomfort and, overall, sadness.
I might have to elaborate on this. Maybe some other time -now I only needed to vent.